shame

I haven’t posted in a few days. And the longer I let this posting break go, the harder it will be for me to get back into it. So I figured I ought to post something today.

I had some thoughts a few days ago about education, and also about kindness, and then something else that popped into my head recently that had more to do with mental health, but with the last couple of weeks that just passed, shame is at the top of my mind.

I’ve been not so much afraid but ashamed to talk to certain people (aka my family) about certain things. Yes, there’s some fear, but the shame is definitely stronger. And I started thinking about why that is, what is it I’m so ashamed of? I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m not at fault, and yet I feel like I need to hide my uncomfortable reality, that I shouldn’t share certain things, not even with people who I know will love and support me.

Why do I box up these things and hide them in a closet, way in the back corner of that top shelf that’s out of reach?

It took me two weeks to tell my family about the current legal situation. I was afraid they would judge me, blame me, I don’t know. There was no reason to think this, not logically. But the feeling was there. Of course they offered help. Of course they showed their love.

There are other things I still feel I can’t say, to them or anyone. Even just saying “I’m struggling” or “I need help” is somehow shameful and so difficult to do.

But at least there’s one less box on that top shelf of the closet now.

The rest are going to come tumbling down someday.

5 Responses

  1. Deanna says:

    I’m happy that your family is supportive of you. That’s a difficult part of love though, isn’t it? Not wanting to let them down. Somehow, from somewhere we get the feeling that is not okay and we try not to do it. Especially with the people we love the most, I think there is a fear of having so much to lose by disappointing them somehow. Faith is hard and doubt seems to creep in from everywhere. I’m glad you got reassurance and love and support from your family to reinforce the knowledge and help strengthen the feeling that love is there. More love than you can ever see or feel, but it is there. You give so much out, there’s no way you’re not going to get it back. <3

    • viv s says:

      Thank you! So very much!

      Yes, I knew the love was there, in my head, even in my heart, and yet the emotional/mental block was still there and I had to scramble over it.

      I’m still trying to believe that last part of your reply … some day. But thank you! Lots of love.

  2. So glad you told them and that their response was everything that you could have hoped for. *hugs*

    It’s so hard to talk to people about things that are painful and a struggle. I feel like it’s always seems to be so important to look like you’re put together. That you can do things and be on top of things, even though a lot of that facade is because you’re hiding things in the closet you don’t want anyone to see.

    I think sometimes when you finally have the boxes come tumbling down, you find that a lot of times there are people out there who’ve been struggling with their own boxes, and get that feeling of shame, and that you have more support than you know.

    I’m rambling and I hope I’m making sense, which is always a crapshoot for me, but I’m sending you hugs and love and support. So proud of you for taking those steps you needed to do. Not easy pushing past fear and shame to do the hard thing. *hugs*

    • viv s says:

      Thank you so much! Made perfect sense. It’s not easy, is it?

      One of those life lessons my father taught me and that I’ve always believed is no one is ever the only one who –fill in the blank–.

      So, yes, I hold onto that and know that I’m never alone with whatever I’m feeling, thinking, doing, whatever. Someone else out there will relate, and it’s comforting.

      I try to be open and honest here because of that, to provide that “you’re not alone” validation to anyone else who has similar thoughts.

      • I’m glad it is a comfort. I know it always is for me when I know that I’m not the only one.

        It’s not easy, but I’m so very proud of you for how you keep going, one foot in front of the other, through all sorts of adversity, and that you care about those around you and always strive to make certain they know they’re not alone. *hugs*

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